The Language of Competition - What We Say

The language of competition plays out when people take hierarchy positions of;

• dominance - to get what they want at the expense of others, and
• submission - to give up what they want in favor of others, and at their own expense.

Specific language patterns that reflect and reinforce domination and submission include;

• I? Asking ‘I’ Questions
• I! Making ‘I’ Statements
• U! Making ‘U’ Statements

I? - Asking 'I' Questions

Asking ‘I’ Questions - is dominating when it;

• Patronizes & condescends to others:

“So I’m going to ........... , am I?”

Asking ‘I’ Questions - is submissive when it;

• Seeks approval/validation from others - inviting them to judge us/our ‘performance’:

“Did I do good?”

“Do I look good?”

“Do I meet your standards?”

“Do I get your approval?”

• Seeks permission to act from others - giving them control over what we get to do:

“Can I ...?”

“May I ...?”

(“Please, pleeeeease?!”)

WE? - Asking ‘WE’ Questions

These same principles apply to the collective in the form of ‘WE’ Questions;

Asking ‘WE' Questions - is dominating when it;

• Patronizes & condescends to others:

“So we’re going to ........... , are we?”

Asking ‘WE’ Questions - is submissive when it;

• Seeks approval/validation from others - inviting them to judge us/our ‘performance’:

“Did we do good?”

“Do we look good?”

“Do we meet your standards?”

“Do we get your approval?”

• Seeks permission to act from others - giving them control over what we get to do:

“Can we ...?”

“May we ...?”

(“Please, pleeeeease?!”)

I! - Making 'I' Statements 

Making ‘I’ Statements - is dominating when it;

• Forces the speakers view to the exclusion of others views - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“I want this!”

“What I say goes!”

“The decision’s made!”

(I made it!)

• Manipulates - for example, with guilt - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“After all I’ve done for you!”

Making ‘I’ Statements - is submissive when it;

• Relinquishes the speakers view in favor of others views - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“It doesn’t matter what I want!”

(when it does!)

“I’m happy to do whatever you want!”

(when we’re not!)

WE! - Making ‘WE’ Statements

These same principles apply to the collective in the form of ‘WE’ Statements;

Making ‘WE’ Statements - is dominating when it;

• Forces the group view to the exclusion of others views - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“Well we want this!”

“What we say goes!”

“The decision's made!”

(We made it!)

• Manipulates - for example, with guilt - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“After all we’ve done for you!”

Making ‘WE’ Statements - is submissive when it;

• Relinquishes the group view in favor of others views - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“It doesn’t matter what we want!”

(when it does!)

“We’re happy to do whatever you want!”

(when we’re not!)

U! - Making 'U' Statements 

Making ‘U’ Statements - is dominating when it;

• Dictates to others what to do - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“You’re doing this!”

“You should be doing this!”

“You’re going to do it like this!”

“You need to do this!”

(Do it my way whether you like it or not!)

• Judges and labels others - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“You’re useless!”

“You’re fabulous!”

“This is what you are!”

(I’m judging what you are!)

Making ‘U’ Statements - is submissive when it;

• Relinquishes the speakers view in favor of others views - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“Whatever you say!”

“You know best!”

(Do they? How do you know?)

WE! - Making ‘WE’ Statements

Again, these same principles apply in relation to ‘WE’ Statements;

Making ‘WE’ Statements - is dominating when it;

• Dictates to others what to do - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“We’re doing this!”

“We should be doing this!”

“We’re doing it like this!”

“We need to do this!”

(I’ve decided we need to do it my way!)

• Judges and labels others - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“We’re useless!”

“We’re fabulous!”

“This is what we are!”

(I’m judging what we are!)

Making ‘WE’ Statements - is submissive when it;

• Relinquishes the group view in favor of others views - without discussion, understanding & agreement:

“We’ll do it your way!”

“We’ll do whatever you want!”

“We’ll defer to you!”

“We trust you to know better than us!”

(Do they? How can we be sure?)

eek?!

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