Compliance Capers: What they are & how they hurt!

We’ve talked about Power Plays as a (dysfunctional) way people cope with situations they don’t like or want - by manipulating/coercing/forcing others to do what they want - using Power Plays.

Another (dysfunctional) way people cope with situations they don’t like or want - is by manipulating/coercing/forcing themselves to do what they don’t want to do - to do what others want them to do - using Compliance Capers.

Here’s a quick reminder:

Compliance Capers
|kəmˈplīəns| |ˈkāpərs|

tactics used to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves
to do what we don’t want to do

Compliance Capers include:

Denying, Distorting, Displacing, Disowning,
Deferring and Over-adapting.

When people use Compliance Capers like these they’re avoiding or ignoring the reality of what’s going on with themselves and manipulating/coercing/forcing themselves to do what they don’t want to do - which is very often what others want them to do. 

So others they get what they want - at our expense!

oww!

Let’s take a closer look at each of these Compliance Capers to see how they play out on a daily basis.

We use Compliance Capers when we decide it’s easier to force ourselves to do what we don’t want to do, than it is to take up the issue with the person who’s (getting away with!) forcing us to do what they want.

Denial

Includes;
Outright Denial:

“There is no problem.”
“It’s not a problem.”
(When there is, and it is!)

Distorting

Includes;
Distort, minimize, catastrophize, intellectualize, rationalize:

“It’s nothing.”
“There’s nothing worse!”
“It’s really just a matter of perspective.”
“It’s human nature.”

Displacing

Includes;
Displace, blame, project, repress, regress:

“I’m mad at them - so you’d better watch out!”
“I can’t even think about it.”
“This is all my fault.”
(when it isn’t)
“This is their fault.”
(when it isn’t)

Disowning

Includes;
Disown actions and feelings, excuse self:

“That’s not me.”
“It was the alcohol talking.”
“I couldn’t stop myself.”
“That’s just my way of coping.”
“We all have issues.”

Deferring

Includes;
Identify, compensate, postpone:

“I need a drink.”
“I’ll have a nap first.”
“Patience is a virtue.”
“I’ll make up for it later.”

Over-adapting

Includes;
Agreeing to do things we don’t have the time/energy/desire/resources/skills to do. Taking over others responsibilities, accepting others responsibilities, “picking up the slack”. Ingratiating ourselves to others, proving ourselves to others:

“No trouble!”
(when it is)
“Piece of cake!”
(when it isn’t)

oww!

Compliance Capers amount to avoiding the reality of what’s going on with us by manipulating/ coercing/forcing ourselves to give up what we want; in favor of others and what they want.

Which means others get what they want - at our expense .

For those up for the challenge...

Where might we be using Compliance Capers to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves to do what others want?

hmmm...

You're welcome to share your experiences here on the blog.

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s all in the book:
What’s Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works

Read more about it here

Buy the book here

Next time…Cope Strategies & the Power Game ...

Till then...

Wishing you happiness,