How People Displace Rights & Responsibilities

Situations we don’t like or want often boil down to what’s called displacement of rights and/or responsibilities.

Displacements can be dominating or submissive.

Displacement by Domination

We displace rights and responsibilities with dominating behaviours, if we;

  * force our responsibilities on others, and * take others responsibilities from others.

Displacement by Submission

We displace rights and responsibilities with submissive behaviours, if we;

  * abdicate our responsibilities to others, and * accept others responsibilities from others.

The Problem:

Displacements are problems waiting to happen - because generally, we don’t like people;

* forcing their responsibilities on us, and

* taking our responsibilities from us

...except if it works to our advantage!

And we don’t like;

* abdicating our responsibilities to others, and

* accepting others responsibilities from others

...except if it works to our advantage!

The problem with displacements is they displace rights and responsibilities!!!

When people get what they want at the expense of others

- it leads to hard feelings 

- which leads to payback.

So while people seem to be getting what they want - any advantage received in the short-term is likely to backfire in the longer-term. 

Check it out on this music video (1m21s):

How People Displace Rights & Responsibilities 

For those up for the challenge...

Where might we be displacing rights and responsibilities - dominating to get others to do what we want them to do? Or submitting to doing what others want when we don’t want to?

How has doing this in the short term created problems for you in the longer term?

Wouldn’t it be great if we were all better at communicating with each other about what we want and need, and problem-solving to find solutions that work for everyone?

If you’re willing to share your experiences of displacements they’re welcome on the blog.

* If you’re displacing right & responsibilities by dominating - how do you typically go about doing it? And how do you justify getting what you want at the expense of others?

* If you’re displacing right & responsibilities by submitting - how do you typically go about doing it? And how do you justify giving up what you want in favor of others?

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s available in the digital version of the book:

“What’s Going On?” Communication: What Hurts & What Works 
Check it out here
Link to buy the book & download now 

Next time... The Passive Nature of Cope Strategies - & How It Hurts!  

Until then, here’s hoping we experience less of what hurts and more of what works!

Wishing you happiness,

Public Events

How to Stand Up for Yourself - Without Being A B*&@#!

A FREE Public Workshop - Wednesday, 26 May 2010, 8:00-8:45am.
Other dates and venues available by arrangement.
Read more about it and register here
Contact me if you’d like to arrange a workshop at a time and place to suit your group

BookShop

“What’s Going On?” Communication: What Hurts & What Works

This digital version downloads immediately and within minutes.
$20 plus GST (total AU$22).
Check it out here
Link to buy the book & download now

The Power Game - “hey! what’s going on?”

We’ve talked about Power Plays and Compliance Capers as ways people cope with situations they don’t like or want - by manipulating/coercing/forcing others to do what they don’t want to do (Power Plays), or manipulating/coercing/forcing themselves to do what they don’t want to do (Compliance Capers).

Power Plays

People are most likely to use power plays when they think they have enough power to get away with using them to get people to do what they want, **and** they’re willing to get what they want at the expense of others. 

Compliance Capers

People are most likely to use compliance capers when they think they don’t have enough power to get others to do what they want; and/or they’re not willing to get what they want at the expense of others.

The Power Game

• Power Plays amount to us using our power to get what we want at the expense of others, 
• Compliance Capers amount to us giving up our power in favor of others.

Cope Strategies

Whether people are using power plays or compliance capers, they’re doing something they seem to be taking action. The reality is they’re playing the Power Game as a way of coping with a situation they don’t like or want - they’re taking action to avoid the issue that’s creating the situation they don’t like or want - they aren’t doing anything to “fix” the situation or change it!

It’s as if they’re sticking their head in the sand, saying:

So Cope Strategies are like a bandaid on a crack through a load-bearing wall.

A superficial “fix” for a much bigger issue. 

For those up for the challenge... 

Where might we be using;

• Power Plays to get others to do what we want them to do, or
• Compliance Capers to get ourselves to do what we don’t want to do...rather than talking about the issue and together finding a way to make it work for everyone?

If you’re willing to share your experiences of Cope Strategies & the Power Game your comments are welcome here on the blog.

• If you use Power Plays - what PP’s do you typically use to get others to do what you want? And how do you justify getting what you want at their expense?
• If you use Compliance Capers - what CC’s do you typically use to get yourself to do what others want? And how do you justify giving up what you want in favor of others?

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s available in the digital version of the book:

“What’s Going On?” Communication: What Hurts & What Works

Check it out here

Link to buy the book & download now.

Next time... Displacing Rights & Responsibilities - How it hurts!

Until then - here’s hoping we experience less of what hurts and more of what works!

Wishing you happiness,

Public Events

How to Stand Up for Yourself - Without Being A B#@&!

A FREE Public Workshop - Wednesday, 5 May 2010.

Other dates available by arrangement. 

Read more about it and register here.

BookShop

“What’s Going On?” Communication: What Hurts & What Works

This digital version downloads immediately and within minutes. 

$20 plus GST (total AU$22)

Check it out here

Link to buy the book & download now.

Compliance Capers: What they are & how they hurt!

We’ve talked about Power Plays as a (dysfunctional) way people cope with situations they don’t like or want - by manipulating/coercing/forcing others to do what they want - using Power Plays.

Another (dysfunctional) way people cope with situations they don’t like or want - is by manipulating/coercing/forcing themselves to do what they don’t want to do - to do what others want them to do - using Compliance Capers.

Here’s a quick reminder:

Compliance Capers
|kəmˈplīəns| |ˈkāpərs|

tactics used to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves
to do what we don’t want to do

Compliance Capers include:

Denying, Distorting, Displacing, Disowning,
Deferring and Over-adapting.

When people use Compliance Capers like these they’re avoiding or ignoring the reality of what’s going on with themselves and manipulating/coercing/forcing themselves to do what they don’t want to do - which is very often what others want them to do. 

So others they get what they want - at our expense!

oww!

Let’s take a closer look at each of these Compliance Capers to see how they play out on a daily basis.

We use Compliance Capers when we decide it’s easier to force ourselves to do what we don’t want to do, than it is to take up the issue with the person who’s (getting away with!) forcing us to do what they want.

Denial

Includes;
Outright Denial:

“There is no problem.”
“It’s not a problem.”
(When there is, and it is!)

Distorting

Includes;
Distort, minimize, catastrophize, intellectualize, rationalize:

“It’s nothing.”
“There’s nothing worse!”
“It’s really just a matter of perspective.”
“It’s human nature.”

Displacing

Includes;
Displace, blame, project, repress, regress:

“I’m mad at them - so you’d better watch out!”
“I can’t even think about it.”
“This is all my fault.”
(when it isn’t)
“This is their fault.”
(when it isn’t)

Disowning

Includes;
Disown actions and feelings, excuse self:

“That’s not me.”
“It was the alcohol talking.”
“I couldn’t stop myself.”
“That’s just my way of coping.”
“We all have issues.”

Deferring

Includes;
Identify, compensate, postpone:

“I need a drink.”
“I’ll have a nap first.”
“Patience is a virtue.”
“I’ll make up for it later.”

Over-adapting

Includes;
Agreeing to do things we don’t have the time/energy/desire/resources/skills to do. Taking over others responsibilities, accepting others responsibilities, “picking up the slack”. Ingratiating ourselves to others, proving ourselves to others:

“No trouble!”
(when it is)
“Piece of cake!”
(when it isn’t)

oww!

Compliance Capers amount to avoiding the reality of what’s going on with us by manipulating/ coercing/forcing ourselves to give up what we want; in favor of others and what they want.

Which means others get what they want - at our expense .

For those up for the challenge...

Where might we be using Compliance Capers to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves to do what others want?

hmmm...

You're welcome to share your experiences here on the blog.

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s all in the book:
What’s Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works

Read more about it here

Buy the book here

Next time…Cope Strategies & the Power Game ...

Till then...

Wishing you happiness,

Video: Power Plays In Action - ouch!

A MAJOR problem in communication is POWER PLAYS.

When people are trying to manipulate/coerce/force US to do what THEY want us to do... they're using POWER PLAYS.

This video gives an insight into Power Plays many people are experiencing on a daily basis.

How many of these Power Plays have you experienced?

eek?!

Where are others using power plays on us? And for those up for the challenge... Where might we be using power plays on others?

You're welcome to share your experiences here on the blog!

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s all in the book:
What’s Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works

Read more about it here

Buy the book here

Next time… Compliance Capers.

Till then...

Wishing you happiness,

Article: Power Plays In Action - ouch!

A MAJOR problem in communication is POWER PLAYS.

When people are trying to manipulate/coerce/force US to do what THEY want us to do... they're using POWER PLAYS.

power play: |ˈpou(-ə)r| |plā|
tactic used to manipulate/coerce/force people to do what we want them to do, regardless of what they want (or would want if they knew the reality of the situation).

For example;

Discounting, Judging, Dictating, Evaluating, Manipulating, Diverting, Confusing, Avoiding, Excluding, Deceiving, Guilting, and Intimidating.

Here’s some examples of these power plays in action;

Discounting
Discounting that a problem or options;
* even exists
* is significant
* can be changed at all, and/or
* can be changed by you!

Discounting - Existence:

“What problem?”
“There is no problem!”

Discounting - Significance:

“It’s not significant.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It’s not a big deal.”

Discounting - Possibility of Change:

“It can’t be changed.”
“The decision’s been made.”
“It’s out of my hands.”
“There’s nothing I can do about it.”

Discounting - Possibility YOU can Change:

“There’s nothing you can do about it.”
“You can’t change it.”
“You’re stuck with it.”

Judging
Sitting in judgement of others based on what the ‘judge’ considers;
Right/wrong, good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable appropriate/inappropriate.

“You’re wrong!”
“You don’t do it like that!”
“You’re right!”
“You did the right thing!”

(according to me!)

Dictating
Dictating to people what to do, what they ‘should’ do, and how to do it.
Includes; Setting limits, making rules and decisions, dictating permissions & injunctions. (what people ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do).

“Just do it!”
“Do it like this!”
“You need to do this!”
“Yes. I’m telling you what to do!”
(and how to do it!)

Evaluating
Evaluating behaviour based on the judge’s assessment of how well people ‘measure up’ against criteria set by the judge.
Includes; Labeling, demonizing, idealizing.

“I’ve reviewed your ‘performance’ and evaluated it by my criteria...”
“I approve. That means you’re ‘good’.”
“I disapprove. That means you’re ‘bad’.”

Manipulating
Manipulating behaviour using coercion &/or force.
Includes; Praise & criticism, pedestals & putdowns, rewards & punishments.

“I’ll encourage behaviour I want,
and discourage behaviour I don’t, using
coercion, force, putdowns & pedestals, rewards & punishments!”

“If you do what I want, you’ll benefit.”
“If you don’t do what I want, you’ll suffer.”

Diverting
Diverting attention to avoid responsibility and accountability.
Includes; Deflecting, distracting, changing the subject, turning the tables, comparing, undoing.

“Oh! Look over there!”
“Well, what about you?!”
“I bought you a present!”

Confusing
Confusing people and/or the issue.
Includes; Abuse of logic, discrediting a premise, discrediting sources, feigning shock, feigning disbelief, interrupting, fast-talking, bombarding, ambushing, hijacking, embarrassing, humiliating, reframing, redefining, baffling, Socratic questioning*.
*badgering with questions to ‘force’ people to a predetermined outcome.

“So if X = Y then…”
“And that means...”
“So it’s not a question of A, it’s a question of B.”
“Isn’t it?!”

Avoiding
Avoiding people and/or the issue .
Includes; Evading, changing the subject, distracting with red herrings - including humour, ignoring, pretending not to hear, pretending to be asleep! withdrawing, hiding, being late, having ‘emergencies’.

“Later.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m not talking about this.”

Excluding
Purposely excluding people for personal gain.
Includes; Alienating and isolating using gossip, nastiness, sarcasm, arrogance.

“Did you hear what she did?!”
“He can’t be trusted.”
“He’s/you’re a @#$%!”
“You’re not invited.”
“Oh! You think so, do you?”

Deceiving
Lies of commission - fabricating information,
Lies of omission - withholding information.
Includes; Misleading with half truths, spinning, evasions, secrets, little white lies, bold-faced lies, whoppers, gossip, rumor, honesty passed off as a lie or a joke, over-promising and under-delivering, bait and switch, offering one thing and delivering another.

“I was at work.”
“It was only a drink.”
“You do X and I’ll do Y.”
(you deliver and they don’t!)

Guilting
Preying on a persons care and concern for others to create feelings of responsibility for what isn’t their responsibility.
Includes; guilt trips, shaming, obligating.

“After all I’ve done for you!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“You owe me!”

Intimidating
Intimidating with physical, verbal, mental, emotional, and financial, social harm or threats of harm.
Includes; ultimatums, sarcasm, criticism, insults, labels, putdowns, denigrate, embarrass, humiliate, frighten.

“You’re a ..... !”
“All or nothing”
“Take it or leave it.”
“You do, and you’ll be sorry!”
“Just try me (and see what happens)!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

eek?!

Where are others using power plays on us? And for those up for the challenge... Where might we be using power plays on others?

You're welcome to share your experiences here on the blog!

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s all in the book:
What’s Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works

Read more about it here

Buy the book here

Next time… Compliance Capers.

Till then...

Wishing you happiness,